Occasionally I write a blog which is of a very personal and reflective nature. I guess the main purpose is to exorcise rather than to fish for support or advice. Any messages are always welcome but not strictly necessary. This is one such blog and if it does not interest you, then you have no need to read on.
One such blog I wrote over a year ago entitled “Paradigm Shift“, was a commentary of a significant and somewhat difficult change I was experiencing in my life. It addressed the subject of friendships and trust and my own resulting anxieties. In this sense I am talking about friendship in real terms, which is not to be confused with any social network terminology. It was a fairly intense period and although I dealt with the main crux of it at the time, the effects still echo on in my mind from time to time.
You see for me, a friendship is a life time thing. Something which is always there, no matter what life may throw at us and when a friendship is suddenly terminated by the other party without discussion, it cuts me deep. I don’t mind being told I have done something wrong and even if I am unable to rectify things, the opportunity to at least discuss it and if necessary apologise is surely not too much to ask?
Anyway, this happened to me last year on not only one but three occasions. All were people who had referred to me in such terms as “best friend” and “brother” and all were people with whom I believe I had forged close bonds with. It seems I was wrong on all three occasions. In the absence of any explanation or reason, I performed a number of postmortems on these friendships, examining my own behaviour and that of the other parties and I sought advice from mutual friends who were equally as clueless. Now, I’m not so arrogant as to claim I was entirely without fault but I have to question whether these people were ever really what can be considered as friends in the first place, especially since the currency which certainly two of them dealt in was guilt. The connections to me were always very real though and reflecting on them truly saddens me, particularly never having had proper closure. So to those people I would say that if your intention was to hurt, then mission accomplished. Let’s move on.
I have always been sensitive to a fault and I realise I can jump to conclusions about people in my own mind, occasionally being happily proven wrong. Trust has been a difficult commodity to find in the time which has since elapsed and it really hasn’t taken much for me to spiral into a whirlwind of self-doubt. I’m getting better in my own time and in my own way and a by product of this has been realising who actually is there for me. I’m happy to say that I am making new friends all the time and I am appreciating more those who have been there for a while and I have been perhaps too wrapped up in myself to notice. I am also making efforts to rekindle old friendships which although have been subjected to the passage of time, have never gone away for me.
I realised a long time ago that it is not possible to be friends with everyone. Personality clashes exist between people and there are some nasty pieces of work out there. Life is too short for me to concern myself with these people and hate is far too consuming.
I do wear my heart on my sleeve and if you are a friend of mine or I have reached out to you in any way, be it emotionally or even just socially, in real life or online, then I can assure you that I am genuine and if I have appeared off with you or unapproachable, then I apologise, I really don’t mean to. It probably just means that I am anxious about the way you feel about me, which is entirely my hangup.
Life can be a cruel place sometimes and it continues to affect us in many ways. What we can do is follow the advice of Bill and Ted.
“Be excellent to each other”