I have always been an over-thinker and over-worrier. I don’t know the root cause of it but it drives me insane at times, especially during the darkest days of the year. I guess some aspects of my childhood were not straightforward, particularly in my school days. I always think people think the worst of me or are mocking me (even some people whom I consider friends). Common-sense suggests that they are not but it’s difficult to focus on that when your head is in a dark cloud.
It’s a self perpetuating exercise to seek reassurance because I believe that comes across as needy, which is seen to be a socially negative trait and so the anxiety continues. Most of the time, it seems to make the most sense to simply say nothing. Although in contradiction to that, some might see me as emotionally expressive anyway. Believe me, there is a lot which I keep to myself.
I suppose being creative exacerbates this, where often work goes ignored or uncommented on. That’s just the way it is, the nature of the beast. Although music is something which should be a personal expression done for ones self, feedback, be it positive or negative is not only reassuring but very useful. You know where you stand to some degree. Absence of feedback, especially from those who’s opinions you value the most contributes to the crushing self-doubt, which most musicians or artists will recognise. It’s not that one seeks approval so much as seeks a frame of reference from which to move forward. Silence and indifference are so much more a cause of anxiety than anything negative and because I consider music to be an extension of the self, it feels to me like being physically ignored at times. It’s never been about recognition or popularity, it’s more about connection or lack of.
As I said though, superficially it’s the nature of the beast when being part of something musical and will always be thus. I just keep on keeping on, doing what I believe in and for those kind enough to take the time to connect, I am truly appreciative. As for these low ebbs, I just sit tight and ride the cloud.